The Verdict...I am Infertile

That about sums it up. Shortly after the last post (um...7 months ago...) I went through all of the infertility testing, and the HSG, a wonderful, very comfortable test, showed that I have bilateral hydrosalpinx....that is, blocked tubes. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I was going to have some sort of trouble. In the summer of 2004, I had a major flare of my Crohn's disease and a subsequent perforation of my small bowel. The geniuses in the ER thought that my unbelievably horrible pain had nothing to do with my Crohn's; rather, I had a large, fluid filled mass in my pelvic region. So, I was admitted to the hospital and waited for three days while the docs decided what to do. All this time, sewage from my intestines were destroying my tubes.

Anyway, diagnosis: Blocked tubes. Treatment Plan: IVF. Tomorrow is my repeat Day 3 blood work, infectious disease testing and a baseline ultrasound. Now just waiting to hear about surgery...those gnarly tubes must come out!

At the beginning

I don't know what I am doing. I have never written a blog before...I have never even written in a journal or diary before, unless I was forced to in high school English. I just know that my emotions are so intense and so unprecedented, I need to DO something. I need an outlet...a catharsis. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a year now, with (obviously) no success. I already have a daughter from a previous marriage, so when we started talking about having a baby, I figured it would be no problem at all. Yeah, right...

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined the intense emotional swings that come along with trying to conceive. And when it does not work right away and those swings happen month after month...I am so grateful I have the husband I do, to love me in spite of all of the mood swings and bitchiness. But I just feel so sad. At times, I find myself not wanting to do anything but get lost in a book so I can live someone else's life for just a little while. That sounds really bad, doesn't it? I have a wonderful husband and daughter, and a pretty amazing life, but I just don't feel complete. I keep waiting for a baby so that our life can really "start". I need to not look at it that way. As I've said, I do have a pretty amazing life, so our life obviously has "started". But I just keep waiting for my little Henry or Elizabeth to come into our lives.

We've only been at this for a year, so we are just beginning the fertility workup process. I have already started taking metformin for PCO (not really a syndrome for me, as I don't have enough of the symptoms to "qualify" for that...I just have the polycystic ovary part), although my periods have been pretty regular. So, after this cycle, I am off for the gamut of tests. We shall see...